I sometimes caught myself holding a little too tight, not ready to let go. Afraid one of my daughters might feel the same pain as I have experienced, wanting to take away hers or simply projecting my pain, fears, trauma on to them.
Although I’m well aware of most of my habits, beliefs & conditions – especially around my children-, it is so easy to project those on to them. Especially when there still is healing needed or parts that feel not whole yet, it is so easy to act out of habit or condition.
A little loving too tight
But I’m starting to realize, now more than ever that my children don’t need my pain and beliefs. I’m not only starting to realize this, I’m starting to embody it. Because it is easy to hold them too close when they are scared, to love them tight when they are ill or not feeling well or to comfort them so much making the uncomforted going away.
It never was home
I remember so vividly from childhood how I loved to be comforted by my mother when I was sick at home, how I wanted to curl up in her arms when I felt lonely or not seen and how she sometimes did make me feel comfortable by loving too tight. And although that feeling of “love” might have giving me a sense of home, it never really was. Loving too tight is never not real love. It is love out of fear instead out of trust, freedom & love. And it wasn’t home either.
Loving out of love
Especially on days where I’m tired, not really having the mind space to be well aware, it’s easy to “fall back into habits” and comfort them by taking away the uncomforted. But I’m now slowly but steadily really integrating real love. Love out of love. Simply holding space for them and all that they are.
So as I sit here with my oldest daughter, refusing to let me go, my youngest daughter is running a fever due to teething and a massive cold. And all I do is hold space. Holding space for them and simply letting them be for all that is.
I’m guarding them with my arms and allowing them to feel through it all. Letting them feel it all. I’m simply holding space so that they can be.
Because in the end, it’s the only way I can truly love.