Lost in motherhood – What I truly want

by Asha

Every evening when I go to bed, I promise myself to be more present with my daughter than I was that day. Once a week, I promise myself to take better care of myself or spend more time with myself. And a few times per month, I promise myself (and sometimes my partner too), to spend more time with my partner.

I also want to focus more on my magic as a Creator and Curator of Motherheart. I want to cook healthily, plant based, organically and preferably freshly homecooked meals, like I used to do before I became a mom. I want to eat those meals with attention whilst really enjoying the taste. I want the time to find all those nice organic ingredients and household products and afterwards I want to read that one book, or maybe two or three that are waiting already for such a long time to be read. I want to unwind one hour before we go to bed, so I can sleep with this calm and more spacious body, mind and energy and I want my full (at least) 7 to 8 hours of sleep so I feel rested throughout the day.

What I also want

If I can keep making wishes (is there a genie in a bottle somewhere or a magic fairy that reads this?), I want to do an early morning practice preferably every day, but twice a week would be cool too! Maybe just yoga or a few sun salutations or a very long Savasana. Or a 5 min meditation or 1 page of random journaling? I want my lean green morning smoothie and the space to do a 3-6-9 liver rescue from Medical Medium. I want to dance again, not so much at clubs, but have the space to be spontaneous and enjoy the moment, without having to think what to pack and cook my daughter for school or what to eat for breakfast, dinner and lunch?

I want to go shopping again, not online and not for her, but for myself. Preferably beautiful clothing and household products from sustainable brands. Not a lot, but at least enough so I’m not only wearing about 3 outfits for almost a year (or two!). I want to have that nice massage a bit more often, not only when I’m in my low and as a remedy, and I want to be more mindful of our planet (think of becoming plastic free, working with non-profits, setting up beautiful projects!). I want to have a full afternoon with a dear friend just to chill, talk, relax and forget time or maybe to do groceries all by myself, and spend one hour in the supermarket or more. I want to feel good in my body and a bit stronger after years of breastfeeding, and I want the energy to actually go to a gym or to do a little workout at least once per week!

I want to enjoy more physical and energetical time with my partner and myself, and more beautiful moments of not planning anything but just simply letting unfold what space is giving us. I want to live life like I’m not running out of time and having to do it all.

Instead I’m not doing any of it.

An invitation

Motherhood makes me realize what is important. It makes me find a balance in being a mom, a wife, a lover, a friend, an entrepreneur and a woman. And although there are plenty of times where I feel lost into what I want (or what I think I want) it always shows me what I truly want and truly need.

Saying goodbye to things that never really belong to me or saying goodbye to beliefs, habits that we’re somehow part of me is hard. Giving ourselves space to grief and to mourn the things we can’t do, or the the way we were used to do them is an important step into finding our way in motherhood. All I know is that it takes time and space to let in unfold as it needs to. Without rushing through it, slowly finding that balance again.

It doesn’t happen overnight, nor in 3 or 6 months or even a year. It takes a motherhood to find it and to be there. And every phase of a child’s life teaches us more and gives us more. It doesn’t invites us to rush, it invites us to flow. Flowing throughout all those different phases of motherhood and a child’s life. Sometimes with lots of space and other times with no space at all. It invites us to be flexible. Instead of resisting it or holding on to it, we are invited to flow with it. So, we learn, we grow and we come back home as it is right now.

What I truly want

Every evening I go to bed, I promise myself to be more present with my daughter then I was that day. Once a week I promise myself to take better care of myself or spend more time with myself. And a few times per month, I promise myself (and sometimes my partner too) to spend more time with my partner.

But as soon as I wake up the next day (probably already a couple of times per night) and she starts to sing her favorite songs and talks to us, I seem to forget all my promises and life with her takes over and I’m actually enjoying it!