I want to share a little bit with you about my personal experiences towards conceiving our daughter Sura. Although we were blessed with getting pregnant quite “quickly”, I still faced some challenges on an emotional level before I got pregnant. I started to realize, just like anything else in life, the process of becoming a mother involved so many teachings. It gave me the opportunity to let go of anything that didn’t truly belong to me anymore and transform some deepest (limiting) beliefs into my real truth.
Dennis (my partner) and I have been together in a long-distance relationship during the years before I got pregnant with Sura. At that time, he used to live in Shanghai and I lived in Amsterdam. We grew closely together organically, while still spending a lot of time with ourselves to take care of ourselves. We both needed our space to get to know ourselves a bit better and pay attention to our truest needs. It was exactly what we needed for those first 2 years of our relationship. At the time when Dennis supposed to come back home to Amsterdam, we truly felt we wanted to intertwine our lives. We wanted to get to know ourselves and each other while being together.
On November 16th, 2015 Dennis arrived back home in Amsterdam and we really started living together. We talked and dreamed about having kids. Me being 29 and Dennis 36 at the time, we somehow felt it could happen and it was the right time. I never could imagine myself with kids as it was not of my interest in the years before, but with Dennis I just knew. A few months before we found each other, I felt I was ready or at least every vessel in my body was. My body wanted to conceive, get pregnant and give life to a baby. My body wanted to give birth, which I could feel from a place deep in my physical body and heart. I knew Dennis would be the father of my children and we would get to experience that together.
This deep inner knowing came from a place of trust. As soon as we started living together, we completely opened up to the practice of surrendering and trusted the process of being ready when we were. We were not really timing fertility, but rather enjoying each other and letting it happen in flow. At least, that’s what I thought.
A little mirror
Quite soon I found out that in the months when I did get my period I felt disappointed. I started to notice that I really wanted to get pregnant and I intensively used those months to journal, meditate and reflect on the pains and doubts arising from those disappointments. I realized that I slowly started to believe that this next step of us getting pregnant was what needed to happen in order to grow further in our relationship AND my body was craving for it. But most of all I reflected upon it all by myself.
Being with myself so much and becoming my own best friend was healing, but had to be balanced too. In those years of being alone or in a long distant relationship with Dennis, I was used to sharing everything with myself. In my very young years, I somehow learnt to be co-dependent and sometimes believed that others could fix “things” for me. Finding that balance between expecting others to fix me and taking charge myself was what I needed to learn. I realized I needed to take control. Because that was something I hadn’t done that much, just as passively “waiting” to conceive.
The power of vulnerability
Dennis and I have been always good in communicating, but when it came to sharing my deepest wishes, I felt too vulnerable out of fear of being rejected. One of the believes I carried with me during the first 20 years of my life. After my last period before I got pregnant, I shared all pain with Dennis. I shared my tears, my worries, my disappointments and most of all my deepest desire at that very moment. Yes, I’m ready to conceive, I truly want to have a baby with you. In the previous years, I learnt so much about my body and I knew exactly when I had my peak of fertility. I asked him: Would you like to make a baby with me on that day, that weekend? And he said yes!
So we did in March 2016! We meditated a few times together, connecting with the soul of our baby, welcoming her with us. We consciously choose to make love and welcome her on a physical level too. The best of it all was: I didn’t expect her to come! I really just wanted to enjoy this beautiful process together with Dennis. It was exactly at that moment, I experienced that space was created for all I was holding on too tight and came right back to us, from a place of love, trust and most of all freedom.